Your kids ask what a "record player" is.

Phones had dials

Car radios had tubes and had to warm up

You know what a point file is

Real radios glow in the dark. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age, and start bragging about it.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth.... remember Algebra.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up - - or leaks.

I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald they don't recognize you.

If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. But it's really bad when you forget to pull it down.

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called black magic........Today, it's called Golf.

You Know You're Getting Old When...


People are constantly putting a mirror under your nose while you nap to see if you're breathing.

You finally find something you've been looking for, for ages but can't remember why you wanted it.

You get to work before you discover you forgot to get dressed.

You reach the toilet you forgot what you wanted to do.

Tightening your belt becomes uncomfortable under your armpits.

You can't finish a conversation, because you don't remember what you were talking about.

Your spare tire is larger than your car's.

You are abducted by aliens, but immediately returned in favor of a living specimen.

Your top three favorite pastimes involve sleep.

You are declined as an organ donor - you're told they're not sure if your organs are functional.

Most of your sentences begin with, "When I was your age..."

Bob Dole refers to you as, "old man."

Going to the bathroom at night used to require shoes, a candle and a corn cob.

The Smithsonian request your participation in an exhibit "The Evolution Of Man."

The fire department is requested to attend your birthday party in case the candles on your cake get out of hand.

George Burns calls to congratulate you on your birthday, saying, "It's just you and me, kid." Update: "Now it's just you, kid!"

The dictionary adds your picture under the definition of "octogenarian."

You had to get rid of your dog he kept trying to drag you to the yard to bury you.

Medicare states that you're too old for their coverage.

You can't be tried by a jury of your peers because there are none.

Universities inquire about your donating your body to science they are desperate for specimens of ancient civilizations.

You try to donate to a [censored] bank but they insist they require live specimens.

Everyone is happy to give you a ride because they don't want you behind the wheel.

Your dentist is fascinated by your wooden dentures.

Your bifocals need bifocals.

You're not allowed on most of the rides at DisneyWorld because they may be too intense.

A passing funeral procession pauses to see if you need a lift.

You convince an attractive young lady to sleep with you but fail to convince your body parts to arise to the occasion.

Young girls feel safe in your presence knowing you couldn't possibly do anything.

Watching paint dry has a certain fascination.

Children often innocently ask you, "What did people do before electricity?" And you can't remember.

You can remember seeing double features for a nickel, sometimes with sound.

Charlton Heston comes to you for advice about his character, Moses, since you were there.

You are often asked to give a personal account of the story of creation.

You often repeat things...You often repeat things... You often repeat things...

You discover the meaning of life, but forgot to write it down.

You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.

You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

You can live without sex, but not without glasses.

Your back goes out more than you do.

You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

You buy a compass for the dash of your car.

You are proud of your lawn mower.

Your best friend is dating someone half their age... And isn't breaking any laws.

Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

You sing along with the elevator music.

You would rather go to work than stay home sick.

You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.

You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

People call at 9 pm. And ask, "Did I wake you?"

You answer a question with "Because I said so!"

You send money to PBS.

The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.

You take a metal detector to the beach.

You wear black socks with sandals.

You know what the word equity means.

You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.

Your ears are hairier than your head.

You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.

You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

You got cable for the weather channel.

You can go bowling without drinking.

Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.
Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
Your back goes out more than you do.
The twinkle in your eye is only the reflection of the sun on your bifocals.
You feel like the morning after when you haven't been anywhere the night before.
You finally got your head together, now your body is falling apart.
Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
You wake up with that morning-after feeling and you didn't do anything the night before.
You don't care where your wife goes, just so you don't have to go along.
It takes twice as long to look half as good.
Many of your co-workers were born the same year that you got your last promotion.
People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
You can live without sex but not without glasses.
The clothes you've put away until they come back in style... have come back in style.
You look forward to a dull evening.
Your mind makes contracts your body can't keep.
The pharmacist has become your new best friend.
There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
You come to the conclusion that your worst enemy is gravity.
You start video taping daytime game shows.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
Your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
You look for your glasses for half-an-hour, then find they've been on your head all the time.
You wake up, looking like your driver's license picture.
Happy hour is a nap.
You begin every other sentence with, "Nowadays..."
You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
You don't remember when your wild oats turned to shredded wheat.
You sing along with the elevator music.
You are proud of your lawn mower.
You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't remember being on top of it.
Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
The little gray-haired lady you help across the street is your wife.
Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
Your ears are hairier than your head.
You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
You give up all your bad habits and you still don't feel good.
Your childhood toys are now in a museum.
You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
You confuse having a clear conscience with having a bad memory.
You frequently find yourself telling people what a loaf of bread USED to cost.
You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.
You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
You got cable for the weather channel. Old Folks MTV!
Your new easy chair has more options than your car.
Your little black book only contains names ending in M.D.
Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
You find yourself beginning to like accordion music.
You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet.
You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
"Getting a little action" means you don't need to take a laxative.
Conversations with people your own age often turn into "dueling ailments."
You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
You take a metal detector to the beach.
The car that you bought brand new becomes an antique.
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
You realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.
You don't remember being absentminded.
You have more patience; but actually, it's just that you don't care any more.
Your memory is shorter and your complaining is longer.
Your drugs of preference are now vitamins.
You tip more and carry less.
You read more and remember less.
You get propositioned by AARP.
Younger women start opening doors for you.
You begin to become invisible in the dating and mating game.
The highway patrol sigh or shake their heads but don't give you a ticket.
You scout for a warmer place to spend the long, cold winters.
You are no longer 'promising'.
Younger men ask you for advice.
You work on your short game.
Youthful injuries return with a vengeance.
Youthful indiscretions harden into bad habits.
You shop for health insurance the way you once shopped for a new car.
Your medical expenses go up 50%.
A 'late night' now ends at 11 pm.
You learn where your prostrate is.
You develop a knack for wearing hats.

How many do you remember?

Candy cigarettes
Wax coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside
Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles
Hoola hoop contests
Buying milk from a vending machine for a quarter, with your penny change taped to the side
Coffee shops with tableside juke boxes
Blackjack, Clove and Teaberry chewing gum
Home milk delivery in glass bottles, with cardboard stoppers
Party lines
Newsreels before the movie
P. F. Flyers
Butch wax
Telephone numbers with a word prefix .... (Drexel-5505
Peashooters
Howdy Doody
45 RPM Records
Green Stamps
Hi-fi's
Metal ice cube trays with levers
Mimeograph paper
Blue flash bulbs
Beanie and Cecil
Roller skate keys
Cork pop guns
Drive ins
Studebakers
Wash Tub wringers
The Fuller Brush man
Reel-to-reel tape recorders
Phonographs
The "twist", "mashed potatoes", and "funky-chicken"
Tinkertoys
The Erector Set
The Fort Apache Playset
Lincoln Logs
15 cent McDonald hamburgers & 10 cent fries
5 cent packs of baseball cards..... with that slab of pink bubblegum
penny candy
35 cent-a-gallon gasoline
When the first man walked on the moon
When Elvis Presley first appeared on the Ed Sullivan show
When the Beatles arrived
When the Barbie doll hit the scene

If you can remember most or all of these, then you have lived!!! Pass this on to anyone who may need a break from their "grown up" life....I double dog dare ya!!!

I Want To Go Back To The Time When.....

Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-mo"
Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming "do over!"
"Race issue" meant arguing about who rant he fastest
Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in "Monopoly"
Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening
It wasn't odd to have two or three "best" friends
Being old referred to anyone over 20
The net on a tennis court was the perfect height to play volleyball and rules didn't matter
the worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was "cooties"
It was magic when dad would "remove" his thumb
It was unbelievable that dodgeball wasn't an Olympic event
Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot
Nobody was prettier than Mom
Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made better
It was a big deal to finally be tall enough to ride the "big people" rides at the amusement park
A foot of snow was a dream come true
Abilities ere discovered because of a "double-dog-dare"
Saturday morning cartoons weren't 30-minute ads for action figures
No shopping trip was complete unless a new toy was brought home
"oly-oly-oxen-free" made perfect sense
Spinning around, getting dizzy, and falling down was cause for giggles
The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team
War was a card game
Water balloons were the ultimate weapon
Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle
Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin
Ice cream was considered a basic food group
Older siblings were the worst tormentors, but also the fiercest protectors

Stroll With Me....

Stroll with me.... close your eyes.... and go back... before the Internet... before bombings, aids, herpes and crack... before SEGA or Super Nintendo ... way back! I'm talking about sitting on the curb, sitting on the stoop...about hide-and-go-seek; Simon Says and red-light-green-light. Lunch boxes with a thermos ... chocolate milk, going home for lunch, penny candy from the store, hopscotch, butterscotch, skates with keys, jacks and Cracker Jacks, hula hoops and sunflower seeds, wax lips and mustaches, Mary Jane's, saddle shoes and Coke bottles with the names of cities on the bottom.

Remember --
When it took five minutes for the TV to warm up.
When nearly everyone's Mom was at home when the kids arrived home from school.
When nobody owned a purebred dog.
When a quarter was a decent allowance.
When you'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny.
When your Mom wore nylons that came in two pieces.
When all of your male teachers wore neckties and female teachers had their hair done everyday and wore high heels.
Running through the sprinkler, circle pins, bobby pins, Mickey Mouse Club, Rocky & Bullwinkle, Kookla, Fran & Ollie, Spin & Marty...Dick Clark's American Bandstand ... all in black and white and your Mom made you turn it off when a storm came.
When around the corner seemed far away, and going downtown seemed like going somewhere.
Climbing trees, making forts, backyard shows, lemonade stands, cops and robbers, cowboys and Indians, staring at clouds, jumping on the bed, pillow fights,ribbon candy, angel hair on the Christmas tree, Jackie Gleason, white gloves, walking to the movie theater, running till you were out of breath, laughing so hard that your stomach hurt...remember that?
Not stepping on a crack or you'd break your mother's back ... paper-chains at Christmas, silhouettes of Lincoln and Washington, the smells of school, of paste and Evening in Paris.
What about the girl who dotted her i's with hearts? (that was before that stupid smiley face)!
The Stroll, popcorn balls and sock hops?
Remember when there were just two types of sneakers for girls and boys - Keds and PF Flyers, and the only time you wore them at school was for gym. And the girls had those ugly gym uniforms.
When you got your windshield cleaned, oil checked, and gas pumped, without asking -- all for free -- every time! And, you didn't pay for air either, and you got trading stamps to boot!
When laundry detergent had free glasses, dishes or towels hidden inside the box.
When it was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner at a real restaurant with your parents.
When the worst thing you could do at school was flunk a test or chew gum.And the prom was in the gym or the lunchroom and you danced to a real orchestra.
When they threatened to keep kids back a grade if they failed -- and did!
When being sent to the principal's office was nothing compared to the fate that awaited the student at home. Basically, we were in fear for our lives, but it wasn't because of drive-by shootings, drugs, gangs, etc. Our parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat! But we survived because their love was so much greater than the threat.
Remember when a '57 Chevy was everyone's dream car -- used to cruise, peel out, lay rubber, scratch off or watch the submarine races?
When people went steady; and girls wore a class ring with an inch of wrapped Band-Aids, dental floss, or yarn coated with pastel-frost nail polish so it would fit their finger.
When no one ever asked where the car keys were because they were always in the car, in the ignition, and the car and house doors were never locked!
Remember lying on your back on the grass with your friends and saying things like "That cloud looks like a..." And playing baseball with no adults needed to enforce the rules of the game.
Remember when stuff from the store came without safety caps and hermetic seals, because no one had yet tried to poison a perfect stranger.

And, with all our progress, don't you just wish, that just once, you could slip back in time and savor the slower pace...and share it with the children of today? So send this on to someone who can still remember Nancy Drew, The Hardy Boys, Laurel and Hardy, Howdy Dowdy and The Peanut Gallery, The Lone Ranger and Tonto, The Shadow Knows, Nellie Belle, Roy and Dale, Trigger and Buttermilk... As well as the sound of a real mower on Saturday morning, and summers filled with bike rides, baseball games, bowling, visits to the pool ... and eating Kool-Aid powder with sugar from the palm of your hand. There, didn't that feel good? Just to lean back and say: "Yeah...I remember......."

Horndog, I would not want to be a gator in your swamp! Those blades have bite.