Will the Real Dummy Please Stand Up?! AT&T fired President John Walter after
nine months, saying he lacked "intellectual leadership". He received a $26
million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking
intelligence...

...With a Little Help from Our Friends! Police in Oakland, California spent
two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his
home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man
was standing beside them, shouting pleas to come out and give himself up...

And What Was Plan B? An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a
motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines.
The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts...

...And These Nitwits Are Teaching Our Children?!! A 9-year-old boy in
Manassas, Virginia received a one-day suspension under his elementary school's
drug policy last week - for Certs! Joey Hoeffer allegedly told a classmate
that the mints would make him "jump higher." And a student in Belle, West
Virginia was suspended for three days for giving a classmate a cough drop.
School principal Forest Mann reiterated the school's "zero-tolerance"
policy...not to be confused with the "zero-intelligence" policy...

Some Days, It Just Doesn't Pay to Gnaw Through the Straps... Fire
investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a
$127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire
prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the
distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security
system..."

And for the Main Course... A man in Taormina, Italy was hospitalized after
swallowing 46 teaspoons,2 cigarette lighters, and a pair of salad tongs.

The Getaway... A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop, and asked for
all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he
tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until
police showed up and grabbed him.

Do-It-Yourself Brain Surgery?! In Alabama, an unidentified man in his late
twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his
forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his
brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the
man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power
drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain.

Have I Got a Deal for You! More than 600 people in Italy wanted to ride in a
spaceship badly enough to pay $10,000 a piece for the first tourist flight to
Mars. According to the Italian police, the would-be space travelers were told
to spend their "next vacation on Mars, amid the splendors of ruined temples
and painted deserts. Ride a Martian camel from oasis to oasis and enjoy the
incredible Martian sunsets. Explore mysterious canals and marvel at the views.
Trips to the moon also available." Authorities believe that the con men
running this scam made off with over six million dollars...

Too Well-Educated... In Medford, Oregon, a 27-year-old jobless man with an MBA
blamed his college degree for his murder of three people. "There are too many
business grads out there," he said. "If I had chosen another field, all this
may not have happened..."

Did I Say That?! Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect
who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each
man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot,"
the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"

Are We Not Communicating? A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is
pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first
child?" the doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her
husband!"

Not the Sharpest Knife in the Drawer! In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was
arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King
used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to
keep his hand in his pocket. Hmmm...wonder what he uses for a knife?