Here is something to keep the Dogs entertained while you are waiting around for Renee to post the GO button:


Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one. After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews, albeit they may lack a formal higher education, have ever lacked a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS ' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.


P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Probably because auto-land is not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode has a 200 ft. per min. descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF IS inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

PS: Aircraft acting funny
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

Crap...already read them. Now what am I going to do while waiting for Renee's GO?

Great stuff, Jackell.

Sent this to my retired navy and comercial pilot grandpa.
Thats great. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

LOL! I saw this same list a few years ago when I was doing a job at one of the air bases here in Canada. Glad to see we can all share the same laugh!

I like it! Funny stuff.

Ha!! Good stuff! Thank you for sharing.

Here's some more. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

The Ultimate Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model)

Upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operations (AO)

Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake.

Air Force, O-6 and above: "Get that damned snake off the fairway!"

Armor: Runs over snake. Never knows it,as well as where the tank and the snake is on the battlefield. Continues directly ahead wondering what all those new buttons in his turret do.

Army Aviation: Has GPS ten digit grid to snake. Stands off at a range greater than any other weapon system and destroys snake with precision fires at a cost equivilant of one Mercedes 350SEL. Returns to base for fighter management and a "cool one".

Army Shrink: Attempts to get snake to explain its sexual feelings about its mother.

Chaplain: Tries to get snake to attend services, mend its ways.

Combat Controllers: Guides snake elsewhere.

Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in depth analysis based on obscure 5 series FM about how to defeat snake using counter mobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don't understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake operations. (Engineer School tries to hide the fact that M9 ACE proves ineffective against snakes).

Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered a success and all participants (i.e., cooks, mechanics and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.

Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area.

Military Intelligence, G-2: Sanke? What snake? Only four of 35 indicators of snake activity are currently active. We assess the potential for snake activity as LOW.

Judge Advocate General (JAG): Snake declines to bite, citing professional courtesy.

Marines, ForceRecon: Follows snake, gets lost.

Marines, Infantry: Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area of Operations.

Mech Infantry: Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes.

Military Intelligence, S-2: Reports to ground troops that snake is a non-combatant. Six Infantry wounded. MI states that if the ground forces would have read the nesting diagram provided in the 24 page enemy intel report, they would have known the snake was a possible threat.

Military Police, Criminal Investigation: Handcuffs snake's head to its tail, reads it its Miranda rights, then proceeds to beat snake to a pulp with night stick.

Missileers, Air Force: Lays in target coordinates to snake in 20 seconds, but can't receive authorization from National Command Authority to use nuclear weapons.

Military Police, Field: Snake safely infiltrates rear area of operations.

Navy SeaBees: Build snake elaborate rec room, complete with secret still.

Navy, SEAL: Expends all ammunition and several grenades, then calls for naval gunfire in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites the SEAL, and dies of salt water poisoning. Hollywood makes film in which SEALS kill Muslim extremist snakes.

Navy, Surface Action Group: Fires off 50 cruise missiles fro several ships, kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake force projection.

Ordnance: IDs snake as having improper scales. Deadline snake and order parts against snake. Parts come in 15 days later but the snake has been upgraded to FMC due to scrounging of parts through improper channels.

Para-Rescue: Lands on snake upon descending, thereby injuring it, then feverishly works to save the snake's life.

Pilot, A-10: Has Global Positioning Satellite coordinates to snake. Can't find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and manicure.

Pilot, Air Force, B-52: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills snake and every other living thing within two miles of target.

Pilot, Air Force, F-15: Misidentifies snake as enemy Mil-24 Hind helicopter and engages with missiles. Crew chief paints snake kill on aircraft.

Pilot, Air Force, F-16: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, and misses snake target, but gets direct hit on Embassy 100 KM East of snake due to weather (Too Hot also Too Cold, Was Clear but too overcast, Too dry with Rain, Unlimited ceiling with low cloud cover etc.) Claims that purchasing multimillion dollar, high-tech snake-killing device will enable it in the future to kill all snakes and achieve a revolution in military affairs.

Pilot, Air Force, Fighter, Generic: Mis-identifies the snake as a HIND and engages it with missiles. Crew Chief paints snake on airplane.

Pilot, Air Force, Transport: Receives call for anti-snake equipment, and delivers two weeks after due date.

Pilot, Army, AH-64 Apache: Unable to locate snake, snakes don't show well on infrared. Infrared only operable in desert AO's without power lines or SAM's.

Pilot, Army, HH-53 Jolly Green Giant: Finds snake on fourth pass after snake builds bonfire, pops smoke, lays out flares to mark Landing Zone. Rotor wash blows snake into fire.

Quartermaster: Encounters snake, then loses contact. Can not identify who owns snake by hand receipts. Orders new snake through supply channels. Request is denied by higher authority; issuing the unit a snake will bring the manager to a zero balance; one snake must remain on hand at all times as per their boss' guidance.

Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it.

Signal, Enlisted: Tries to communicate with snake . . . fails despite repeated attempts. Complains that the snake did not have the correct fill or did not know how to work equipment a child could operate.

Signal, Officer: Informs the commander that he could easily communicate with the snake using just his voice. Commander insists that he NEEDS to videoconference with the snake, with real-time streaming positional and logistical data on the snake displayed on video screens to either side. Gives Signal Corps $5 Billion to make this happen. SigO abuses the 2 smart people in the corps to make it happen, while everybody else stands around, bitches, and takes credit. In the end, GTE and several sub-contractors make a few billion dollars, the two smart people get out and go to work for them, and the commander gets what he asked for only in fiber-optic based simulations. The snake dies of old age.

SJA: Swear they saw something like that on the Discovery Channel . . . spend weeks arguing if it was a snake or not.

Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all State Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files enormous travel settlement upon return.

Supply: (NOTICE: Your anti-snake equipment is on backorder.)

Transportation Corps: "Snake? What snake? We were sleeping in the truck."

War Correspondent. Decides snake is patriotic nationalist agrarian reformer being molested by imperialist U.S. forces, asks snake for directions to nearest bar. If bitten by snake, charges U.S. troops with neglect of duty to protect freedom of the press.

Here is another version. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

The Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model) upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operations or A Diversified Approach to Military Operations:

Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area.
Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake.
Armor: Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes.
Aviation: Has Global Positioning Satellite coordinates to snake. Can't find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and manicures.
Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it.
Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered a success and all participants (i.e. cooks, mechanics and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.
Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all State Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files enormous travel voucher upon return.
Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal thesis in obscure 5-series Field Manual about how to defeat snake using countermobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don't understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake ops.
Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and retreats to safety. Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALs kill Muslim extremist snakes.
Navy: Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types of ships, kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake force projection.
Marine: Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area of Operations.
Marine Recon: Follows snake, gets lost.
Combat Controllers: Guides snake elsewhere.
Para-Rescue Jumper: Wounds snake in initial encounter, then works feverishly to save snake's life.
Supply: (NOTICE: Your anti-snake equipment is on backorder.)
Transport pilot: Receives call for anti-snake equipment, delivers two weeks after due date.

F-16 pilot: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, and misses target due to weather.
AH-64 Apache pilot: Unable to locate snake, snakes don't show well on infra-red.
UH-60 Blackhawk pilot: Finds snake on fourth pass after snake starts bonfire to mark Landing Zone. Rotor wash blows snake into the fire.
B-52 pilot: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills snake and every other living thing within two miles of target.
Missile crew: Lays in target coordinates to snake in 20 seconds, but can't receive authorization from National Command Authority to use nuclear weapons.
Intelligence officer: Snake? What snake? Only 4 of 35 indicators of snake activity are currently active. We assess the potential for snake activity as LOW.
Judge Advocate General (JAG): Snake declines to bite, citing grounds of professional courtesy.
CH-47 Pilot: Slingleg breaks in flight while slingloading anti-snake equiptment, pilot cuts slingload. Slingload lands on snake and kills it. Crew cheif uses dead snake to replace broken slingleg.

Navy Pilot: Draped snake around neck at Tail Hook to pick up chicks.

Military Police: Gave snake a sobriety test for not moving in a straight line.

Signal: Broadcasts 200,000+ watt transmissions in support of anti-snake missions, accidentally electrocuted snake in the process.

Holy shnikes, Sharp... did you write enough puns on contact with a snake? *YAWN!* I started to fall asleep while reading it... HEY! That's your plan, isn't it? Make us fall asleep reading that post so you can get all the YardKeepers for yourself! LOL!

Been having a rough night, this was just what I needed to make me laugh!

Thanks Jackell!

-Coley

Cead Mile Failte

These are great. A good laugh for sure. Thanks for sharing

Dan

Here's some more military "humor" for ya. I'm glad I wasn't any of these guys... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Summary of Mishaps 95-27

This hit my inbox in July 1995 after a long chain of forwards within the .mil (U.S. military) domain, until it was forwarded to me by a U.S. Air Force captain. It's from the 27th week of the year 1995, and I've marked it a "true story" since I'm absolutely certain that it is. It's one of a weekly summary of "mishaps" in the U.S. Navy, circulated among the Joint Chiefs of Staff. I have knocked it down from ALL UPPER CASE and expanded some of the abbreviations to make it more readable, but otherwise it's verbatim as circulated 13 years ago this week. Some of the "mishaps" are indeed quite serious, but....

- - -

R 211200Z JUL 95
FM COMNAVSAFECEN NORFOLK VA
TO ALSAFE
AIG ONE ONE THREE TWO NINE
AIG ONE ONE FOUR FIVE THREE
BT
UNCLAS //N05100//
MSGID/GENADMIN/COMNAVSAFECEN/95-27/JUL//
SUBJECT/SUMMARY OF MISHAPS 95-27//

Remarks:

1. Following is a summary of selected mishaps.

A. A LCpl (Lance Corporal) was driving an empty forklift when it turned over in a combat loading area. He was pinned under the machine and lost his right leg below the knee.

B. An FC3 (Fire Controlman Third Class) was snorkeling at the bottom of a waterfall in Hawaii. His friends saw him dive under but he never come up. A search team found his fins floating 40 feet downstream.

C. The IT3 (Instrumentman Third Class) hadn't had a drink in more than three months when he joined a post-cruise celebration with some of his shipmates, drank two beers in ninety minutes, got his Blood Alcohol Level up to 0.22, passed out, and, like a loblolly pine, fell stiff and unflinching, face first onto the concrete sidewalk. Cha-ching! Kinda curious indeed, until you realize those "two beers" were 40 oz each. Even an English major like me can figure that's nearly three quarters of a gallon in just an hour and a half and, if you're not used to it, that's a bunch of beer.

D. While you seldom think of car keys as dangerous - unless they're being poked by a drunk into an ignition switch - these next two reports may change your mind. After swimming in the ocean, an EN1 (Engineman First Class) sat down on a beach near a campfire. He heard someone call his name from behind, turned and saw that same someone was throwing his keys toward him. He got up to catch the keys, back-pedaled, stumbled, and landed butt-first in the fire. Luckily, his momentum carried him out of the flames and into the sand. But, when he ran to the water to wash off, he realized he'd burned his legs rather badly. He got back to his ship, where they took one look at him and sent him to a naval hospital where he will have to undergo skin grafts because of second- and third- degree burns.

E. In the other key-throwing incident this week, an ET2 (Electronics Technician Second Class) was hit in the eye when a shipmate threw his car keys to him. Doctors are operating to repair his ruptured eyeball and cut cornea, but fear he may need further surgery.

F. An ET3 (Electronics Technician Third Class) walked - make that - hobbled away with third place in our weekly rocket scientist contest with his unusual trick of falling off the second story balcony railing he was using as an exercise bar and crashing onto the concrete driveway twelve feet below. He landed on his heels and broke both of them. He has been hospitalized for a month, and doctors are worried he may be permanently disabled.

G. Second place in this week's hotly contested race for RSOTW (Rocket Scientist of the Week) honors goes to the MMFN (Fireman, Machinists Mate Striker) who pulled up a deck grate prior to installing a blank flange on a valve but didn't bother to rope off the area, post a watch, or hang signs to warn anyone of the danger. When the phone rang in the space, he stopped what he was doing, answered it, talked for a while, hung up, turned, and stepped into the very same unguarded hole he had left in the deck - falling, as it were, into his own trap. His shipmates heard him screaming, ran to his rescue, and found he had landed (it even hurts to write this) astride an i-beam and was experiencing what the report described as "intense pain". No duh. Doctors, who spent a week treating him for a spine-compression fracture, among other injuries, report, sadly, that a slot in the tenor section of the ship's chorus is the best he can ever hope for - baritone is totally out of the question.

H. And now, a drum roll. The curtains on our great stage part, and we hear Kenny Ball and the 'frisco jazz band playing "Midnight in Moscow" softly in the background as our Rocket Scientist of the Week Award (with coconut cluster) is laid gently on a red satin pillow and ceremoniously presented to the LCdr (Lt. Commander) who, whilst strolling through Gorky Park in the dead of night, contrived, somehow, to mace himself in the crotch. Trust me, I am not making this up. As I get the story, this guy fumbles with, then unwittingly fires off, a "chemical self-defense weapon" in his pants pocket. Unknowing, therefore undaunted, he strolls on. Later, he vaguely begins to perceive something of a moist sensation in his skivvies but "did not ... associate it with the spray." I know, I know ... the next question is so obvious even I won't ask it. Still later, as he is beginning to experience something akin to the heebie-jeebies, he goes back to his hotel, is shocked to discover this stuff has still not evaporated, showers vigorously and hits the rack only to spend a restless night contending with what the commercials call "that itching, burning sensation". Morning brings with it the realization that, even in Moscow, a groin full of blisters is a most unusual occurrence and enough wattage begins to seep into the dim bulb that had been floating above his head all night, that he finally got the brilliant idea to seek professional help from the docs at the embassy. Quick! Somebody give Tom Clancy a call and tell him I've got this absolutely marvelous idea for his next book.

2. Y'all be careful out there, take good care of one another, and we'll see you next week.

3. Rear Admiral F.M. Dirren, Jr. sends.//

- - -

Now remember, that's one week worth of "mishaps" -- during peacetime! Adm. Dirren retired from the Navy in 2001 after 37 years of service. Our loss.