Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

When in doubt, mumble.

I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.

Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.

Moms in the hospital, just a visitor

I always take life with a grain of salt, ...plus a slice of lemon, ...and a shot of tequila.

Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.