I used to do drugs — I still do, but I used to, too

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.

I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef

An escalator can never break — it can only become stairs.

This shirt is ‘dry-clean only’ — which means it’s dirty.

When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was

I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.

I wish I could play little league now, I’d be way better than before.

I love my FedEx guy cause he’s a drug dealer and he doesn’t even know it — and he’s always on time.

The last time I called ‘shotgun’, we had rented a limo, so I [censored] up.

This sign says “IMPROV,” but I had a bad set on Friday night, so yesterday they put an “E” on the end of it.