When I was on acid I would see things like beams of light, and I would hear things that sounded an awful lot like car horns.

One time, this guy handed me a picture of him, he said,”Here’s a picture of me when I was younger.” Every picture is of you when you were younger.

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus? Or just a really cool opotamus?

I went to a record store, they said they specialized in hard-to-find records — nothing was alphabetized.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

What happened when Jesus wanted to swim?

Onions make me sad. A lot of people don’t realize that.

If my kid couldn’t draw I’d make sure that my kitchen magnets didn’t work.

When someone hands you a flyer, it’s like they’re saying “Here, you throw this away.”

A dog is forever in the push-up position.

I got a parrot and it talked, but it did not say I’m hungry, so it died.

I’m sick of following my dreams, I’m going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.