I turned to my friend and said “How do you abbreviate Arkansas”. He said “I don’t know, just start spelling it, and then quit”.

I like to play blackjack. I’m not addicted to gambling, I’m addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way too literal for me.

I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem — it’s not the photographer’s fault.

I order the club sandwich all the time and I’m not even a member. I don’t know how I get away with it.

Alcoholism is a disease, but it’s the only one you can get yelled at for having.

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up; so which one’s the real hero?

At the end of my letters, I like to write ‘P.S. – this is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.’

If Spiderman was real, and I was a criminal, and he shot me with his web, I would say, “Dude, thanks for the hammock.”

Swiss Cheese is a rip-off — it’s the only cheese I can bite into and miss.

It’s very dangerous to wave to people you don’t know because what if they don’t have hands? They’ll think you’re cocky

Y’know, you can’t please all the people all the time — and last night, all those people were at my show.