'I never forget a face, but in your case I’d be glad to make an exception.'

'My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.'

'I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.'

'Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.'

'My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.'

'Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.'

'This radio lark's a wonderful hobby, y'know. I've got friends all over the world, all over the world... none in this country, but friends all over the world.'

'My wife sent her photograph to the Lonely Hearts Club. They sent it back saying they weren't that lonely.'

'Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented custard.'

'If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.'

'Every time a friend succeeds, I die a little.'

'I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down'.