Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.

. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

The sole purpose of a child’s middle name, is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

It’s not the fall that kills you; it’s the sudden stop at the end.

Some people say “If you can’t beat them, join them”. I say “If you can’t beat them, beat them”, because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.