Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn’t have said.

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

If Bill Gates had a penny for every time I had to reboot my computer…oh wait, he does.

The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.

I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

George washington said “We would have a black president when pigs fly!”… well, swine flu.

Haikus are easy. But sometimes they don’t make sense. Refrigerator.

Children in the dark make accidents, but accidents in the dark make children.

I have never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don’t listen, they don’t come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they’re home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.

Deja Vu – When you think you’re doing something you’ve done before, it’s because God thought it was so funny, he had to rewind it for his friends.