The difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer is in the taste.

Money talks…but all mine ever says is good-bye.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

By the time you learn the rules of life, you’re too old to play the game.

Does time fly when you’re having sex or was it really just one minute?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.

I don’t have a beer gut, I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs.

Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot them?

We have all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.