Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends.

Life’s like a bird, it’s pretty cute until it shits on your head.

I’m multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.

I was such an ugly kid. When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse.

Foreign Aid: The transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it’s Colin.

If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?

Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

True friendship comes when the silence between two people is comfortable.

True friendship comes when the silence between two people is comfortable.