It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.

We are all part of the ultimate statistic – ten out of ten die.

Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia: Fear of long words.

A committee is twelve men doing the work of one.

Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

If everything seems to be coming your way, you’re probably in the wrong lane.

I’m in shape. Round is a shape isn’t it

When we were together, you always said you’d die for me. Now that we’ve broke up, I think it’s time you kept your promise!

She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn’t help wondering from what direction.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He’ll shut up once you let him in.

They keep saying the right person will come along, I think mine got hit by a truck.

I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.