Alcoholism is the only disease that tries to convince you that you don’t have it.

I sometimes go to my own little world, but that’s okay, they know me there.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me

My drinking team has a bowling problem.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

It’s not how good your work is, it’s how well you explain it.

Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first, I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.

If a leper gives you the finger, do you have to give it back?

Losing a husband can be hard: in my case it was almost impossible.

Efficiency is a highly developed form of laziness.