If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.

Failure is not falling down, it is not getting up again.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed

The best thing about living at the beach is that you only have assholes on three sides of you.

Silence doesn’t mean your sexual performance left her speechless.

The farther away the future is, the better it looks.

Why is it that in the US: If you take off all your clothes and walk down the street waving a machete and firing an Uzi, terrified citizens will phone the police and report: “There’s a naked person outside!”

Canadians are more polite when they are being rude than Americans are when they are being friendly.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

I tried to hang myself with a bungee chord. I kept almost dying

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.