"Out here in the Pacific, they have typhoons and hurricanes that blow over 200 miles an hour. We have tornadoes and hurricanes back home, but I don't worry about them. The mortgage on my house is so heavy that nothing could budge it."

"The Democrats have an answer to the unemployment problem. They're all running for the presidency." –On the many Democrats running for president in 1988

"I don't know if the presidential candidates are running for the White House or Animal House." –On Gary's Hart's campaign for president

"It's so cold here in Washington, D.C., that politicians have their hands in their own pockets."

Well that rules out Monica Lewinsky!

"Ronald Reagan is not a typical politician because he doesn't know how to lie, cheat, and steal. He's always had an agent do that."

"When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the Actor's Orphanage - he shot both his parents and moved in. "

"If you haven't any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble."

"A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live. "

"You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake. "

"Everything Reagan does, Gorbachev does him one better. Reagan wears the flag of his country on his lapel. Gorby wears the map of his country on his forehead."

"Now that the war is winding down, I want to say I do appreciate you fellows hanging around here – just for me." –On a visit to Vietnam in 1972