At least he can’t cheat on his score because all you have to do is look back down the fairway and count the wounded.

It’s hard to play a guy who rattles his medals while you’re putting.

I do benefits for all religions – I’d hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.

Your ignorance cramps my conversation.

Harry had won by such a narrow margin he might not have made it if Bess hadn't voted for her husband.

The reason Jack Benny is looking so sad these days is that he’s not only losing a daughter – but losing a deduction too.

I’ve been playing the game so long that my handicap is in Roman numerals.

Personally, I never drink on Oscar nights, as it interferes with my suffering.

I'll tell 'ya how to stay young: Hang around with older people.

The trees in Siberia are miles apart, that's why the dogs are so fast.

If I had that kind of money, I wouldn't come to Vietnam, I'd send for it.

That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing.