gotta luv the Brits! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Hell yeah! Or perhaps.. 'I say old chap, jolly good!' ? <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

bloody right! (voice fading, heart beat growing, cash register dinging) "you were definitely in the right, I've always been mad I know I've been mad..."

Those were all great. I have seen the only in America list before but it was still funny.

Up-and-coming visionaries get chided all the time by the establishment.
Here are some classics that will inspire them to power on for the betterment
of humanity.


"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."
--Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of
science, 1949

"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."
--Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943

"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked
with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is
a fad that won't last out the year."
--The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957

"But what ... is it good for?"
--Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM,
1968, commenting on the microchip.

"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."
--Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital
Equipment Corp., 1977

"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously
considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently
of no value to us."
--Western Union internal memo, 1876.

"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who
would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?"
--David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for
investment in the radio in the 1920s.

"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn
better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible."
--A Yale University management professor in response to Fred
Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service.
(Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)

"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?"
--H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.

"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and
not Gary Cooper."
--Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in
"Gone With The Wind."

"A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports
say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like
you make."
--Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies.

"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out."
--Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.

"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible."
--Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

"If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment.
The literature was full of examples that said you can't do this."
--Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives
for 3-M "Post-It" Notepads.

"So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing,
even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about
funding us? Or we' ll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay
our salary, we'll come work for you.' And they said, 'No.' So
then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, 'Hey, we don't
need you. You haven't got through college yet.'"
--Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get
Atari and H-P interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal
computer.

"Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and
reaction and the need to have something better than a vacuum
against which to react. He seems to lack the basic knowledge
ladled out daily in high schools."
--1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard's
revolutionary rocket work.

"You want to have consistent and uniform muscle development across
all of your muscles? It can't be done. It's just a fact of life.
You just have to accept inconsistent muscle development as an
unalterable condition of weight training."
--Response to Arthur Jones, who solved the "unsolvable"
problem by inventing Nautilus.

"Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil?
You're crazy."
--Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project
to drill for oil in 1859.

"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau."
--Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.

"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value."
--Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole
Superieure de Guerre.

"Everything that can be invented has been invented."
--Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.

"Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction".
--Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872

"The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from
the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon".
--Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon-
Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873.

Some of my less than successful inventions... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

A freezer for Eskimos.
AC adapter for solar calculators.
Air-Bag Motorcycle jacket.
Anklet wristwatches for contortionists.
Avalanche prevention goggles.
Battery powered battery charger.
Battery-operated nuclear power plants.
Blinker Fluid.
Braille Drivers' Manual
Braille toilet paper.
Braille tv guide.
Braille tv remote control.
Brake oil.
Breathable space suit.
Brown undershorts.
Cabin pressurization system for the Cessna 150.
Caffeine-free Diet Coke.
Camcorder with braile-encoded buttons.
Candy bars with stannous fluoride added.
Car steering triangles -- doubles as anti-theft device.
Cast iron wire.
Cat flap for the fridge.
Checkered paint.
Combs for bald-heads.
Condoms for misogynists.
Cordless plumb line.
Dehydrated water.
Diet celery.
Digital clock-winder.
Digital computer.
Double-sided playing cards.
Downhill stairmaster.
Ejector seats for helicopters.
Electric banana straightener.
Electric dog polisher.
Extra-large bicycle clips, for use when cycling in shorts.
Fat-free Twinkies.
Felt Jumper cables.
Fine glass-crystal castanets.
Fireproof cigarettes.
Fireproof kindling.
Fireproof matches.
Flame-retardant gasoline.
Flashbulb tester.
Flavoured suppositories.
Foam rubber toothpicks.
Freeze Dried Water.
Frictionless Sandpaper.
Fur sink.
Hand-powered chainsaw.
How-to cassettes for the deaf.
Ice skate sandals, for use in hot climates.
Inflatable anchor.
Inflatable darts-board.
Inflatable PC -- The Ultimate Laptop!
Kickstand for a tank.
Laundromat in a nudist colony.
Leather cutlery.
Lie detectors for politicians.
Low salt brine.
Low-calorie PowerBar.
Luminous sun-dial, for use at night.
Matte finish floor wax.
Mesh raincoat.
Micro-miniature personal vibrator.
Money with negative face value.
Motorcycle seat-belts.
Muffler Bearings.
Non-intrusive alarm clock (raises a flag instead of ringing a bell).
Non-stick Cellotape.
Open Toed Safety Shoes.
Papier mache step ladder.
Parachute that opens automatically, upon impact.
Particle board tent stakes.
Reduced calorie water.
Remote control for a computer.
Remote control for a Watchman.
Reversible garbage disposal.
Rollerblade skates for peglegs.
Rubber Kleenex.
Screen door on a submarine.
Second-hand fireworks.
Self stick frying pan.
Soap Dissolver.
Solar powered flashlight.
Solar powered night light.
Solar-powered pacemakers for elderly sunbathers.
Steel-belted radial rubber bands.
Strap-on portable chairs.
Sugar coated insulin.
Sundial with glow in the dark markings.
Tire chains for motorcycles.
Trailer hitch for the Honda CVCC.
Training wheels for timid sports car drivers.
Umbrella with a skylight.
Unsinkable submarine.
Waterproof sponge.
Waterproof teabags.
Waterproof toilet paper.

You know you are no longer a kid when..

Just one peanut butter and jelly sandwich doesn't do it any more.
Driving a car doesn't always sound like fun.
The average ten-year-old doesn't have a clue who Bo and Luke Duke are.
Being bad is no longer cool.
You have friends who have kids.
Saturday mornings are for sleeping.
You are taller than the slide at the McDonald's playland.
Your parents' jokes are now funny.
You have once said, "Whatch-you talkin' 'bout Willis?"
You have owned, and since disowned Michael Jackson's Thriller.
Christmas starts to piss you off.
You would rather wear your dirty clothes again, 'cause mom is not there to
do your laundry anymore.
Two words: parachute pants
Naps are good.
Hitting girls is no longer considered flirting.
You no longer do the "pee pee" dance.
You have once deemed Space Invaders as "The best game ever".
When things go wrong, you can't just yell, "Do-over!"
Playboy's Playmate of the month is younger than you.
The only thing in your cereal box is...cereal.
You actually buy scarves, gloves, and sunscreen.
Your idea of fun parties now include Chips 'n' Salsa and Snapple.
You leave concerts and ballgames early to beat the crowd.
You WANT clothes for Christmas.
You don't want a Camaro because of the insurance premiums.
You remember when Saturday Night Live was funny.
You've bought an album on vinyl.
You remember seeing Star Wars when it first came out.

How come you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is
dead?

Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they
be called builts?

Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?

Why do people without out a watch look at their wrist when you ask them what
time it is? Why do you ask someone without a watch what time it is?

The light went out, but where to?

Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already
know you don't have?

Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?

Why is the alphabet in that order?

If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is
expanding, what is it expanding into?

If you got into a taxi and he started driving backwards, would the taxi driver
end up owing you money?

What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosylabic"?

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold
tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of
everything outdoors?

Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?

Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not
a-door?

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a
bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when
someone threw a gun at him?

If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress?

Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid
contains real lemons?

How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it?

Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?

Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?

Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help
section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still
working?

Isn't Disneyland a people trap operated by a mouse?

Sooner or later, doesn't EVERYONE stop smoking?

War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.

Did Washington just flash a quarter for his ID?

Will the Real Dummy Please Stand Up?! AT&T fired President John Walter after
nine months, saying he lacked "intellectual leadership". He received a $26
million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking
intelligence...

...With a Little Help from Our Friends! Police in Oakland, California spent
two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his
home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man
was standing beside them, shouting pleas to come out and give himself up...

And What Was Plan B? An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a
motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines.
The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts...

...And These Nitwits Are Teaching Our Children?!! A 9-year-old boy in
Manassas, Virginia received a one-day suspension under his elementary school's
drug policy last week - for Certs! Joey Hoeffer allegedly told a classmate
that the mints would make him "jump higher." And a student in Belle, West
Virginia was suspended for three days for giving a classmate a cough drop.
School principal Forest Mann reiterated the school's "zero-tolerance"
policy...not to be confused with the "zero-intelligence" policy...

Some Days, It Just Doesn't Pay to Gnaw Through the Straps... Fire
investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a
$127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire
prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the
distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security
system..."

And for the Main Course... A man in Taormina, Italy was hospitalized after
swallowing 46 teaspoons,2 cigarette lighters, and a pair of salad tongs.

The Getaway... A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop, and asked for
all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he
tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until
police showed up and grabbed him.

Do-It-Yourself Brain Surgery?! In Alabama, an unidentified man in his late
twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his
forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his
brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the
man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power
drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain.

Have I Got a Deal for You! More than 600 people in Italy wanted to ride in a
spaceship badly enough to pay $10,000 a piece for the first tourist flight to
Mars. According to the Italian police, the would-be space travelers were told
to spend their "next vacation on Mars, amid the splendors of ruined temples
and painted deserts. Ride a Martian camel from oasis to oasis and enjoy the
incredible Martian sunsets. Explore mysterious canals and marvel at the views.
Trips to the moon also available." Authorities believe that the con men
running this scam made off with over six million dollars...

Too Well-Educated... In Medford, Oregon, a 27-year-old jobless man with an MBA
blamed his college degree for his murder of three people. "There are too many
business grads out there," he said. "If I had chosen another field, all this
may not have happened..."

Did I Say That?! Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect
who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each
man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot,"
the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"

Are We Not Communicating? A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is
pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first
child?" the doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her
husband!"

Not the Sharpest Knife in the Drawer! In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was
arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King
used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to
keep his hand in his pocket. Hmmm...wonder what he uses for a knife?

Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.

It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the
bathroom.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

Never knock on Death's door; ring the doorbell and run (he hates that).

Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).

When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to
play chess?

If you're living on the edge, make sure you're wearing your seat belt.

The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it's open.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive, anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians...the quick and the dead.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.

Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in
Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved
animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from
onlookers. A minute later they were both eaten by a killer whale.

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with
what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle.
Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a
handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. A shame
as he had merely been listening to his walkman.

Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to
a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped
through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to
death.

Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It
came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. You guessed it, he opened it
and said a fond farewell to his face.

Whether a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg, depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.

Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his salt, that he forgets his sugar.

A man who lives in a glass house should get undressed in the basement.

Too many couples marry for better, or for worse, but not for good.

When a man marries a woman, they become one; but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never turn into an old nag.

On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past - - but never the present.

A foolish husband says to his wife, "Honey, you stick to the washin', ironin', cookin', and scrubbin'. No wife of mine is gonna work."

The bonds of matrimony are a good investment only when the interest is kept.

Many girls like to marry a military man - - he can cook, sew, and make beds, and is in good health, and he's already used to taking orders.

Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age, and start bragging about it.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth.... remember Algebra.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up - - or leaks.

I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald they don't recognize you.

If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. But it's really bad when you forget to pull it down.

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called black magic........Today, it's called Golf.