I thought this would be a good way to make some posts. People can post jokes that they like. I'll start.



Actual comments received in 1996 from the Bridger Wilderness registration sheets and comment cards:

Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands.

Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce
world-wide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness.

Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more
likely to chase animals.

All the mile markers are missing this year.

Found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse.

Trail needs to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill.

Too many bugs and leaches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the
wilderness to rid the area of these pests.

Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow during the winter.

Chairlifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views
without having to hike to them.

The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate
these annoying animals.

A small deer came into my camp and stole my jar of pickles. Is there a way
I can get reimbursed? Please call ___ ___ ____.

Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at
night with flashlights.

Escalators would help on steep uphill sections.

Need more signs to keep area pristine.

A McDonalds would be nice at the trailhead.

The places where trails do not exist are not well marked.

I brought lots of sandwich makings, but forgot bread. If you have extra bread, leave it in the yellow tent at V Lake.

"During the space program, the Apollo astronauts practiced "moon-walking" in
the Southwestern deserts. The strange sight of the space-suited figures
wandering around the landscape attracted several Indians. One of them could
speak English, and the officials in charge told him what they were doing.

When he informed the others, one old man wanted to write a message to send to
the moon. The NASA people humoured him, and he scratched out a message. When
the other Indians read it, laughed, but didn't say anything.

The NASA people couldn't read it, since it was in Indian, and they finally had
to resort to paying a willing Indian, for whom they had to search, since most
refused to tell them what it said.

The note said, "Watch out for these people! They're coming to take your land!"

We fish in the Spencer gulf region of South Australia. My Father and two Friends from Geralton Western Australia, Peter and Micheal where out 14 miles off the coast from Corny Piont snapper fishing. It was a nice sunny day with a little chop. Then the swell came up from the south. Micheal started to get green around the gills, leaning over the side burling up the fishing grounds. Only thing is he heaved a bit to hard and lost his false teeth, and watch them slowly sink to the bottom of the ocean floor. Not a happy chappy to say the least. As time goes by we have landed a few good size snapper while Micheal feels total misrable in the cab...Oh, one rule we have on board boat which is made very clear before leaving land is if you get sea sick and we are catching fish we don't go home...Peter lands this nice 20 lb red snapper and proceeds to gut it, and pulls out a set of false teeth, calling out to Micheal "YOUR NOT GOING TO BELIEVE THIS MATE, BUT LOOK WHAT I REELED IN!" Showing Micheal the false teeth. Micheal comes out of the cabin, takes the false teeth and proceeds to wash all the guts off them and sticks them back in his mouth, fiddling to get them to fit, he keeps playing with them, then pulls them out takes one look (Micheal is extremely peeved off having to ride out the fishing trip sick) and heaves them over board saying "They’re not my teeth." and storms back into the cabin. Well, Peter freaks at Micheal and exclaims "They were my teeth you sick moron! I was only having a joke with you." (While gutting the snapper he pulled out his teeth and sticks them in the snapper guts). So we spent the trip home listening to two gummies fighting over false teeth that they no longer had. We got a good catch of snapper, 32 fish all from 12lb to 20lb.

Why People Speak English

A friend of mine is an officer in the naval reserve. A few weeks ago, while on TDY in Brussels, he was attending a conference on NATO naval strategy planning that included admirals in both the US and the French navies. At a cocktail reception at the Officer's Club, my friend found himself in a small group that included an admiral from each of the two navys. The French admiral started complaining that whereas Europeans learned many languages, Americans only learned English. He then asked. "Why is it that we have to speak English in these conferences rather than you have to speak French?"

Without even hesitating, the American admiral replied. "Maybe it is a bit of a reward because twice my country arranged it so that you did not have to learn to speak German." The group became quite silent.

You Might Be A Survivalist If…

- You can’t put your groceries in the trunk of the car because its already jammed full with emergency kits, first aid supplies, and fully-stocked BOBs.

- You have emergency rations for your pets, and view your pets as potential emergency rations.

- You know the news three days before it hits the mass media.

- You have back-up plans for your back-up plans.

- You’re convinced you’ve been exposed to so many chem-trails, you consider it a form of birth control.

- You’ve ever repressed the urge to bleat “BAAAAAAAAAA” as your neighbor earnestly asks, “What war? Where?”

- You’ve ever bought antibiotics for human use through a vet, or grains for human consumption through a feed store.

- You’ve got more than one grain mill.

- You’ve ever wondered how you might filter the used water from your washing machine to make it fit for human consumption.

- You have a kerosene lamp in every room

- Your living room coffee table is actually a board with pretty cloth over it to disguise your food storage underneath.

- Your box springs are Rubber Maid containers filled with rice and beans.

- You save dryer lint to make fire starters.

- Your most commonly-used fuel additive is ‘Stabil’, instead of ‘Gumout’.

- You automatically choose the heavy duty flatbed cart upon entering Sam’s or Costco.

- If you know the shelf life of tuna fish, but don’t know how long you’ve had an open jar of mayo in the frig.

- Your basement walls are insulated with crates of toilet paper, from floor to ceiling, all the way around.

- While other people are saving money for new furniture, or vacations, you are desperately saving to get solar panels put on your house.

- You were excited beyond all reason when they came out with cheddar cheese in a can.

- You’ve ever served MREs at a dinner party.

- You can engage in a spirited debate on chemical vs. sawdust toilets for hours on end.

- You’ve ever considered digging an escape tunnel from your basement to the nearest stand of trees.

- You know how to use a vacuum cleaner in reverse to filter air in your designated bio-chem attack safe room.

- You’ve ever considered buying an above-ground pool for water storage purposes.

- You know what things like ‘TSHTF’, ‘BOB’ and ‘TEOTWAWKI’ mean.

- You have different grades of BOB’s. And restock them twice a year.

- You know the names, family histories, locations, and degree of readiness of over a thousand fellow doomers on the net.... but you’ve never met your neighbors.

- The best radio in the house is a wind-up.

- You have better items in storage than you use everyday.

- When the SHTF, you would eat better than you eat now.

- Your significant other gave you a sleeping bag rated -15 degrees for Christmas.... and you were moved beyond words.

- You’ve sewn a secret mini-BOBs into the bottom of your children’s school backpacks.

- Local food pantries have come to depend on donations from your larder when you rotate stock in the spring and fall.

- You’re still using up your Y2K supplies.

- You have enough army surplus equipment to open a store.

- The local army surplus store owner knows you by your first name.

- You fill up when your gas tank is 3/4 full.

- You call Rubber Maid for wholesale prices.

- You have several cases of baby wipes and your kids are all grown.

- Bert from ‘Tremors’ is your favorite movie character.

- You carry a pocket survival kit, a sturdy folding knife, a SureFire flashlight and a small concealed handgun on you to church every Sunday.

- You start panicking when you are down to 50 rolls of toilet paper.

- You keep a small notebook to write down any edible plants you happen to see along the road.

- You shop yard sales, store sales, and markdown racks for barter goods for ATSHTF.

- You own a hand-operated clothes washer and a non-electric carpet sweeper.

- You have at least two of every size of Dutch oven (the ones with the legs on the bottom), and 20 bags of charcoal, although you have a gas grill.

- You have rain barrels at each corner of your house, although you have a city water hookup, and a Big Berkey to purify the water.

- You have sapphire lights, survival whistle, and a Swiss Army knife on every family member’s keychain.

- The people in line at Costco’s ask you if you run a store or restaraunt.

- You require a shovel to rotate all your preps properly.

- You no longer go the the doctor’s because you can either fix it yourself, make it at home, or know and understand the physicians desk reference better than he does, and can get the goods at the vets or pet store for MUCH less moolah anyway.

- You know that a ‘GPS’ has nothing to do with the economy.

- You track your preps on a computer spreadsheet for easy reordering, but have hardcopies in a 3-ring binder ‘just in case’.

- You’ve thought about where the hordes can be stopped before entering town.

- You start evaluating people according to ‘skill sets’.

- You view the nearest conservation area as a potential grocery store if TSHTF.

- You know *all* the ways out the building where you work.

- You have enough pasta stockpiled in your basement to carbo-load all the runners in the New York marathon.

- You know that you have 36 gallons of extra drinking water in the hot water tank and your 2 toilet tanks.

- You know which bugs are edible.

- You have a handpump on your well.

- You have #10 cans of ‘stuff’ that the labels fell off of, but you won’t throw it out or open it because it ‘may be needed later’, even though you haven’t a clue as to the contents.

- You know where the best defensive positions and lines of fire are on your property.

- You’ve made a range card for your neighborhood.

- Your toenail clipper is a K-BAR.

- The Ranger Handbook is your favorite ‘self help’ book.

- You’ve numbered the deer romping in the yard by their order of consumption.

- You must move 50 cases of food for the plumber to get to that leaky pipe, but you have your own hand truck in the basement to do it.

- You own more pairs of hiking boots than casual and dress shoes combined.

- You have more 55gal blue water drums than family members.

- Your UPS system has more than 6 Deep cycle batteries.

- You have a backup generator for your backup generator, which is a backup for your solar system.

- You go to McDonalds and ask for one order of fries with 25 packs of ketchup and mustard.

- You have ever given SPAM as a serious gift.

- You’ve had your eye out for a good deal for a stainless steel handgun to conceal in the bottom of the magazine rack next to the toliet.

- You are single male over 40, but you still have an emergency childbirth kit, just in case you have to deal with that possibility.

- You have two water heaters installed in your basement, but one is a dummy that’s been converted to hideaway safe.

- You’ve made bugout cargo packs for your dogs.

- You have a walking stick with all sorts of gadgets hidden inside.

- Your koi pond is stocked with catfish.

- As a stand-in scoutmaster, you taught your son’s troop to set mantraps and punji pits, and haven’t been asked to stand in since.

- You’re on your fifth vaccum sealer, but you keep at least one of the worn out ones because you can still seal up plastic bags with it.

- You haven’t bought dried fruit in years, but you buy fresh bananas, apples, peaches and pears by the case and have three dehydrators.

- Your UPS man hates you because of all the cases of ammo he’s had to lug from his truck to your front door.

- You have duplicates of all your electronics gear, solar panels and generator parts in your EMP-shielded fallout shelter.

- You have set aside space for your live chickens in the fallout shelter.

- When the power goes out in your neighborhood, all the neighbor’s kids come over to your place to watch TV on generator power.

- You must open the door to your pantry *very* carefully for fear of a canned goods avalanche.

- You have a ‘Volcano’, you know you can cook anything, and you cast evil glances at your neighbor’s annoying, yappy poodle, muttering “your day will come, hotdog” under your breath.

- You’ve learned to knap flint, make twine from plant fibers for snares and use an atlatl, because you fear that all of your preps and hard work will be confiscated by FEMA troops or destroyed by earthquakes, tsunamis, nuclear blasts, ravening hordes of feral sheeple, or zombies.

The Purina Diet

A friend of mine has a huge Labrador Retriever. It eats a lot, and we went to the store to buy a large bag of dog food. We were in line to check out and a woman behind him asked if he had a dog.

The "what a moron!" look on my buddy's face was priceless, and I knew what it meant: he was going to toy with her. He told her that no, he was starting The Purina Diet again although he probably shouldn't -- he said he had ended up in the hospital last time, but that he'd lost 50 pounds before he awakened in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of his orifices and IVs in both arms.

He told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. He said that the food is nutritionally complete so he was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with his story, particularly a big tall guy who was behind the woman.

Horrified, she asked why he ended up in the hospital -- had the Purina made him sick? He told her no; he'd been sitting in the middle of the street licking his [email]b@ll$[/email] and a car hit him.

The woman turned fire-engine red, and I helped the tall guy up off the floor.

Hunting Grouse

For centuries, the English have
had a love affair with all
types of hunting. Early one
morning, a fellow was blasting
away at a clump of brush on
a grouse hunt.

Suddenly an outraged gentleman
appeared and said "See here old
man, you almost shot my wife
with that volley."

The hunter, properly shamed
replied, "So sorry old chap.
Here, have a go at mine, over there."

Supposedly true stories relayed by the park rangers in Our National Parks.

Hello? Taxi Service?

In 1994, a woman visiting from the Bay Area embarked on a solo hike to the summit of El Capitan in Yosemite. When she became lost and saw a storm brewing, she called 911 from her cellular phone and asked to be rescued. A helicopter found her barely off the trail and one-fourth to half a mile from the top of El Cap. When the 'copter lifted off and the woman saw how close she was to her summit goal, she asked the crew to set her down on top. When the crew declined, she threatened to sue them for kidnapping.

Ever Alert to Terrorism

A group of European visitors came into the Wawona ranger station in Yosemite National Park and said, "Our car is parked at the trail head and it's been blown up by terrorists." Though rangers expressed some doubt, the visitors insisted that a bomb had exploded in their car and that they could see powder residue from the explosives. Investigating rangers indeed found that a door had been torn off and a powder-like substance -- pancake flour -- was strewn about the car. "They were quite embarrassed when we showed them the bear prints," the ranger said.

Caring for the Creatures

A woman, appearing rather distraught, came into the visitor center at Redwood National Park in California to report that she had seen several Irish setters lying along the edge of the highway and she feared they were dead or injured. Rangers explained to her that these were pieces of redwood bark that had fallen off logging trucks.

Back-Seat Driving, As Always

When an elderly couple stopped to film some bears at Dunraven Pass in Yellowstone, a young bear crawled into their car searching for food. Unable to make the bear leave, the exasperated (but well-dressed) couple drove about 17 miles to the ranger station at Canyon Village with the bear in the back seat. When the husband got out to report the incident, the bear hopped over into the front seat so that investigating rangers found the woman in the passenger seat and the bear behind the wheel.

SBF Seeks Male companionship. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your
pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips. Cosy winter nights spent
lying by the fire, candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand.
Rub me the right way and I will respond with tender caresses. I'll be at the
front door when you get home from work. Kiss me and I'm yours. I'm a sweet
good looking girl who loves to play.

Call 555-1212 and ask for Daisy. I'm a eight week old black labrador
retriever ($350).

A construction worker was rushed to the hospital after cutting himself badly.
The doctor told the nurse to prepare a pain killer. "Don't bother Doc," said
the man. "I've been through a lot worse." "More painful than this?" the doctor
asked. "I'll tell you about the second most painful accident I ever had. I was
hunting one day and had to take a $h!t so I dropped my pants and squatted. I
tripped a bear trap and BOOM, the thing snapped shut on my [email]b@ll$."[/email] The doctor
winced, "That's awful. But tell me, what could be worse?" "When I reached the
end of the chain."

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/thumbup.gif" alt="" />Great thread Andy.

I think Andy just set a record with the most words typed in consecutive threads