Got out of the field for a few years, saw too many friends dying and dead. Most of them way too young. At least from here I can help those in need without being face to face with them.

I remember about 7 or 8 years ago we had a major spill at work, with some sections of our racking getting knocked over.
We were doing some higher risk work that day (ironically in a different area) so the building was empty except for about 10 of us.
I was the only management person in that day, and once I ensured that we had everything under control I started phoning the higher ups.
After explaining everything to our VP of operations, and assuring him that he didn't need too come in, he stated that if this had to have happened he was glad I was the one in that day.
Secretly I felt the same

I know here in BC they do a much better job now with pst then they did even 15 years ago

When I was 18 I did cpr on a friend of mine that I knew was dead.
When the ambulance and fire trucks left the scene, everyone just left me there sitting in my car.
Today that would not happen

Wish they had taken care of us back then, we had no support whatsoever.

Now they do better here too, but it's a little late for me.

I still see their faces sometimes, but it's less often now than it used to be.

Back the it was "man up & go drinking with your buddies"
Even as something as basic as understanding the need for "gallows humour" is beyond most people.
Last year I was out hunting with a couple of paramedic friends, that went into town to buy a battery for one of their quads.
On the way back to camp they come upon a motorcycle accident, they did treatment until the ambulance arrived.
One of the paramedics worked in the town, so latter they called him to let him know the guy died.
The three of us started talking and the other guys with us sort of left us alone because they were put off by some of the humour in our stories

Cop humor is the same way. It's a coping mechanisim. I've gotten some strange looks before, because of my sense of humor, but it's how I'm wired after all these years.

Even though I knew that Brad was dead before I got to him, and that I did everything I could for him.
I did carry some guilt around for a lot of years.
It didn't even help when his mom and sister told me that there was nothing I could have done differently.

You would go crazy without the release.
As they say sometimes you either have to laugh or cry

Sometimes it's the same. Tears of a clown...

I pulled in on a wreck one morning, opening day of deer season 1986. Got down to the car and it was three friends of mine. Two were dead, died during the night from their injuries and the cold.

The one in the back was still alive and relatively uninjured, but couldn't get out because of the damage to the car. Had to cut the roof off to get him out.

I still see their faces every now and then. Just like it was yesterday. I know there wasn't anything that I could have done, but doesn't make it any easier.