If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea… does that mean that one enjoys it?

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.