Don’t piss me off! I’m running out of places to hide the bodies.

Progress is made by lazy men looking for an easier way to do things.

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, “Well, that’s not going to happen.”

Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’

A friend is someone who will help you move. A GOOD friend is someone who will help you move a dead body.

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

For every action, there is a corresponding over-reaction.

I’m a humble person, really. I’m actually much greater than I think I am.