I ran into my ex the other day, hit reverse, and ran into him again.

If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?

How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize

Why do you need a driver’s license to buy liquor when you can’t drink and drive?

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel shamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn’t drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, “It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.

Your kid may be an honors student, but you’re still an idiot.

Insanity is defined as doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

It was love at first sight. Then I took a second look !!

Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.

I think, therefore I’m single.