Last week I told my wife, "If you would learn to cook, I could fire the chef." She said, "If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer."

My marriage is on the rocks again. Yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

The other night I woke up, she was saying sexy things. She was on the phone.

Last night some guy knocked on the front door. She told me to hide in the closet.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

Funny how one is illegal and the other isn't a problem. I guess the Government does a LOT of research!

I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west!

My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

Oh, when I was a kid, I was poor. Christmas, I got no presents. Well, there was one Christmas, on our front lawn - Prancer and Dancer - they dropped off a little something.

When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through."

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

My psychiatrist told me I'm crazy. I told him "If you don't mind I'd like a second opinion." He said "Alright, you're ugly too!"