With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one.

When I was a kid I got no respect. I worked in a pet store. People kept askin' how big I get.

I'm so ugly. My proctologist stuck his finger in my mouth.

You know you were not blessed by beauties hand when your momma ties a porkchop around your neck just to get the dog to play with you.

I'm so ugly. My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

I'm so ugly. My mother had morning sickness--after I was born.

I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning!

On Halloween, the parents send their kids out looking like me. When I answer the door the kids hand me candy.

Well with girls I don't get no respect. I had a blind date. I waited two hours on the corner. A girl walked by. I said "Are you Louise?" She said, "Are you Rodney?" I said, "Yeah." She said, "I'm not Louise."

I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.

I don't get no respect, are you kiddin'? The time I got hurt. On the way to the hospital, the ambulance stopped for gas.

I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.